Being Well: Using Attachment Theory with Master Therapist Sue Johnson
Forrest Hansen and his father, clinical therapist Rick Hansen, interview psychologist Sue Johnson in this episode. Here, Johnson outlines a map for understanding relationships.
In this map, relationships are not bargains, in which we negotiate for what we want. Relationships are bonds. Under every conflict is a hunger to feel like we matter to our partner. There is in every human being a strong desire for connection that, if not met, will result in protest.
Johnson describes this protest as a dance of distress. One partner cries out, “Are you there for me or am I invisible?” The other partner, instead of hearing the protest of loneliness, hears blame, and then shuts down. This causes the first partner to feel even more fearful and isolated. James and I (Claire) are very familiar with this dance.
We all want to know that we will not be abandoned. This is not a weakness. This is the way we have been wired. Johnson suggests that we accept this vulnerable part of ourselves, and that we talk to our partner about our longings, our fear of isolation, or our sense of feeling unlovable. James and I (Claire) have found that when we talk from the heart, we see each other differently, and when we are accepted in that vulnerability, our relationship changes drastically.
