The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become

I (Erika, a young friend of James and Claire’s) don’t believe that anybody sets out to be a garbage parent, but sometimes we are, because of the patterns and attachments we were raised with. Even while carrying wounds from our own upbringings, we parents all aim to provide for children a warm, safe, caring environment. Our best wish for our children is for them to be confident, effective individuals who can form positive relationships all the way through into adulthood.

This book shows us how to respond to situations with our children in ways that build these qualities into them, by using the ideas of attachment theory and mindsight. Even if you have never previously read about such things, this book is accessible, as it begins with a summary of these concepts. The authors emphasize that we can unlearn the negative patterns we’ve learned, and that these negative pathways (created by the reactions we received in childhood) are not guaranteed to be passed on to our own children.

The downside to learning all of this is that you will probably have to do some of your own work to come to terms with your own troubles. But over time, as you learn and grow yourself, you will get to the point of consistently wiring your child’s brain in a way that builds trust in others and confidence in themselves. If a child feels attached and safe through childhood, their brain actually hardwires them towards being a composed and connected adult. The key is to show up for our children in a listening, attuned, responsive posture, and this book shows us how.